My Mother

As fun as the family reunion was, it was sobering as many of us realized my mother's condition was deteriorating. I haven't mentioned specifics on this blog, but she was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic colon cancer in September 2010, even though we knew there was some type of cancer since April 2010. After initial chemo, the cancer appeared to be eradicated, but then follow up tests to confirm it showed the cancer had mutated and spread very aggressively. By June, she was weak and, for those of us who lived far away, we knew it was probably the last time we would see her alive in this life. She had experienced horrible side effects of the latest treatments of chemo and about two weeks after our reunion, she decided to stop treatments. We all knew it was the right decision as scans showed the chemo wasn't even helping much. We went to work trying to keep her comfortable, contacting friends and family members, and making sure we were all staying informed.

My sister and I talked at the end of the reunion about things to say to your mother before she dies. Things like how she influenced you, how she taught you to be a good mother, how you're grateful for everything she did for you. And yet, when I knew the end was coming, I didn't feel the need to say those things. I don't regret it now, either. I told her I loved her, told her that we would be okay, that she had taught us well and prepared us. I think a large part of me not going into specifics was that I had already told her some of those things, but mostly I just felt that she would know those things when she died. And so I focused on making sure I was doing everything I could to help her and my family while being far away, even though that didn't include flying out to see her. She died July 15, 2011. It also happened to be Greg and I's 6th wedding anniversary. We flew out a few days later for the funeral, only staying a few days before needing to come home. The funeral was beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time. I was touched at how many of her friends came, even those who hadn't seen her for a while.

I'm incredibly grateful to my family and her friends that helped with everything in her final weeks and in the weeks after. I cannot express how much I already miss her, or how deeply I grieve for my children who will never know either of their biological grandmothers in this life. I am so grateful to have had her for a mother, and I know that we will be together again. I'm grateful for the knowledge and testimony we have of Jesus Christ and His atonement for us, for the sealing power of the priesthood, and for the close family my parents created as we now have each other to lean on.

I love you, Mom.